For Immediate Release

SUSAN CLARKE NO LONGER COMMITTED TO QUALITY

Dec. 9, 2008. LOS ANGELES, Calif. After decades of adhering to strict standards of excellence in her personal and professional life, Susan Clarke is abandoning her commitment to quality and from now on will be “phoning it in.” The decision to embrace a more laid-back lifestyle marks a significant development for Clarke, who has a history of exerting far more effort than is required or even expected in any given situation. At this morning’s press conference, Clarke announced an epiphany that her modus operandi as a “relentlessly critical self-flogger” has only served to freak her out on a daily basis, without earning the money or accolades she was conditioned to expect as a result. Thus, she will be reducing her efforts.

From her post in her Echo Park apartment — formerly the last bastion of quality in the Greater Los Angeles area — Clarke is confident that her esteemed reputation for producing top notch writing work and keeping a tidy house will not be negatively impacted by her new approach. With an uncharacteristic confidence brought on by today’s landmark decision, she explains that even if she were to decrease her average effort by 40 to 50%, she would “still be on par with the top writers and housekeepers out there because my half-assed work is still better than the average person’s 110% effort.” For added clarity, Clarke punctuated the end of her sentence with a z-shaped snap.

Clarke maintains that today’s revelation is a time for celebration, not a sad day of surrender to be mourned throughout the Quality community. “I’m just being realistic about the fact that I’m more awesome than I generally give myself credit for,” she shrugs. “I could really chill the fuck out and no one would even notice.”

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