For Immediate Release

SUSAN CLARKE ALMOST REVERSES ANTI-APPLIANCE STANCE TO BUY COFFEEMAKER

November 19, 2008, LOS ANGELES, Calif. At 10:30 this morning Susan Clarke, well-known in four states for her cynicism towards consumer goods, began taking the first steps towards buying an electric drip coffeemaker. However by 11:15 she had come to her senses and reaffirmed her commitment to her 12 year-old French press pot.

The close call with consumerism occurred after Clarke dumped half a cup of wet, coarse, coffee grounds on the kitchen floor for the 780th time while trying to transfer them from the glass carafe into the garbage can. Earlier in the morning Clarke and her boyfriend had expressed a shared desire to awaken to the smell of brewing coffee. Unless they were to surgically attach an opposable thumb onto the cat, they agreed that this could only become a reality through the advanced technology of an electric, counter-top, drip coffeemaker. Clarke decided to briefly put aside her Amish-like affinity for analog cooking solutions and research coffeemakers on the Internet. “I compared product reviews and price points for a full 45 minutes before suddenly coming to my senses and realizing how stupid it was to buy something that does something I can already do for free.”

Clarke’s coffeemaker kybosh is based on her firm belief that “a stove is all you need.” She cites coffee makers, rice cookers, and electric kettles as “redundant appliances,” as one only needs to boil a pot of water on a stove to make coffee, rice, or hot water. Furthermore, microwaves, Foreman grills, bread makers, and toaster ovens “are ugly, made of plastic, and will eventually break and end up in the landfill” at which point the consumer is suckered into spending 80 dollars for a new one. Plus, there are the issues of the design aesthetic, even with Target working overtime to make everything look Japanese. “I don’t like blinking LED lights anywhere on my premises, and all the coffeemakers have those” Clarke announces with finality. Tomorrow she will return to using her French press pot, “and just suck up the fact that it’s a whore to clean up after.”

Today’s decision came as no surprise to Clarke’s boyfriend, who is just grateful that she never asks him to buy her anything.

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