For Immediate Release

SUSAN CLARKE FIRES CONSCIOUS,
PROMOTES SUBCONSCIOUS TO HEAD OF TEAM

May 14, 2008. LOS ANGELES, Calif. This afternoon at approximately 3:30 pm Susan Clarke officially fired her conscious and gave her subconscious a raise and complete run of the show. The move was inspired by a trip to the bathroom where, while performing a mundane bathroom task, she suddenly arrived at the answer to a problem she had been trying to solve all day…consciously. Clarke considered the countless times that she has experienced similar breakthroughs —suddenly remembering the name of that movie she couldn’t think of last night while vacuuming the next day, or all those times she came up with totally genius ideas while treading that semi-conscious fog right before sleep.

“Basically,” Clarke explains, “My subconscious gets a whole hell of a lot more done in a day than my conscious, so it was time to do some corporate restructuring.” The conscious was given a fair buyout including all back holiday pay and a booklet of gift certificates good at any Mann theater. Unfortunately, per company policy, the conscious did have to endure a humiliating walk to the parking lot with its box of desk knickknacks while accompanied by a security guard. There were no incidents and the conscious was off the property by 5 pm. An email informing fellow team members of the new chain of command was sent shortly thereafter. Hushed discussions in the kitchenette followed.

Clarke is looking forward to settling in under the fresh leadership of her subconscious beginning tomorrow. “I haven’t had any new initiatives or plans to expand my operations for ages,” she recalls of the stagnant days under her ineffectual conscious, “because I was always trying to come up with them.” Now that Clarke has put the subconscious in charge of operations, she’s confident she will finally begin to see the growth that has eluded her for so long.

The conscious could not be reached for comment.

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