For Immediate Release

SUSAN CLARKE WISHES SHE HAD ORDERED THE OTHER SANDWICH

March 11, 2008. LOS ANGELES, Calif. Last night at a pub Susan Clarke ordered a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich but soon discovered that she was more in the mood for the roast beef melt her boyfriend had ordered. The BLT had initially jumped out at her from the menu, bacon fan Clarke having abstained from the stroke-inducing treat for several weeks. However when their orders arrived and Clarke was invited to sample her boyfriend’s sandwich — shaved roast beef, grilled onions, and cheese on grilled rye bread — there was simply no going back. “I generally don’t enjoy red meat” she explained, “but this sandwich would have had a Hindu blindly clubbing cows and chasing them around with slices of bread.”

The band broke into a Fats Waller song on the nearby stage but Clarke’s attention remained focused on surreptitiously consuming her mate’s meal while he studied the guitar playing. Her own wheat toast began to curl at the edges, her bacon devolved into a dog chew toy, and her lettuce went limp. She attempted to reconcile her regret over the sandwich order with the consolation that the onion rings rocked and she was glad she opted for them over the steak fries. “Sometimes you think you know but you don’t know.” She added, “You know?”

This was not the first time Clarke has made a decision at a pub that initially seemed like a good idea but soon proved to be a terrible, terrible mistake. In one incident she swapped pink slips with a busboy and came home as the proud owner of a 1973 Pinto. Another time she woke up on the tour bus of a psychedelic figure skating revue. Details of still two more incidents can be found by accessing the related police reports via the Freedom of Information act.

In an effort to prevent future ordering misjudgments, Clarke is preparing a portable PowerPoint chart to help assist her in future restaurant endeavors. The chart helps the user identify their current state of mind in order to assess their best food option at that time. With thorough step-by-step analysis of Clarke’s physical and psychological states as well as recent media exposure, aura hue, and the longitude and latitude of the eating establishment she hopes she will be able to avoid reliving what has come to be known as “the bacon debacle of 2008.”

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