Susan Clarke Packs to Move

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SUSAN CLARKE PACKS TO MOVE
DEFENDS NUMBER OF AMPS SHE OWNS

LOS ANGELES, Calif., Susan Clarke narrowly saved her three guitar combo amps from sale on Craigslist this afternoon when she was able to justify their existence to friends insistent that she downsize. Earlier in the day, when Clarke was attacked with “Ashtrays? Why do you have a whole box of ashtrays? You’re not a smoker,” she had not prepared a defense, which resulted in “Las Vegas Sands” and “Sal’s Bus Lounge” ashtrays joining the defeated troops in the Goodwill garbage bag over by the door. Whereas Clarke hadn’t anticipated having to defend her unreasonable amount of ashtrays to helpful onlookers, she knew they were gonna give her shit about her amps— a 1965 Fender Super, a Fender Frontman 15, and a Line 6 Spider II. Her arguments were well thought-out and clearly presented.

“The Custom is for playing live. Or, dicking around with pedals and finding new tones with.” Clarke explained, without acknowledging that she hasn’t played out live for over a year and never gets around to dicking around with pedals to find new tones. She went on to illuminate that “the Frontman is a practice amp which simulates the tone of the live Super with an overdrive pedal, so it’s necessary for practicing said tone at practice volume.” And before the helpful killjoy of a friend could follow up, Clarke produced a game-ending zinger with, “and the Spider isn’t for live but it is for practice and it’s not like the Frontman for practice because it makes the sounds of all the pedals that I don’t have run through my Super. Three distinctly different applications, three distinctly different amps. Thank you, and goodnight.”

Clarke’s Saturday morning move to an undisclosed ghetto neighborhood in Los Angeles will proudly include all three combo amps. Clarke has intentions of further building up the gear arsenal with planned purchases of a Fender Telecaster with a single coil body and a humbucker neck pickup (for when she wants to sound like Keef, or get that clean sound, or wants to distort it but not the kind of distortion from a modeling amp or even the dirty tone of an amp but the kind of tone you can only get dirtying up a clean guitar), and that yellow three humbucker Schechter (for when she wants crunch but for obvious reasons cannot even lift a Les Paul). The move is part of a larger plan to reduce overhead and reduce time spent working for “the man” so that Clarke may rock more. This is the first move for Clarke in 5 years.

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